


Headphones

by Minyoongislips



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Depression, Getting Together, Harassment, Healing, High School AU, Homophobia, Hospitalization, How Do I Tag This, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sad Ending, Therapy, Tumblr Prompt, Violence, another trash, beatings, teenagers are awful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2018-11-07 10:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11056857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minyoongislips/pseuds/Minyoongislips
Summary: High school is fun and games, friends, homework done late at night, promises that our grades will go up to our parents, punishments, skipping the classes you don't like... And also, having crushes. Changkyun has a crush on a senior. That, is a little less fun.





	1. You should tell him

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm back again with another Wonkyun fic,  
> You'll probably hate me, it's okay, I hate myself too  
> Hope you'll enjoy, see you at the bottom

Having a crush sucked ass.

Well, for Changkyun. Because, for some reason, he had to crush on that guy. You know, the good looking and popular guy. The one he couldn’t even get close to. The crush that didn’t even know he existed. And of course, said crush was a senior whereas Changkyun was just a little freshman. So, really, there was absolutely no chance of anything happening. But there was still a little part of his brain that was whispering “maybe” and there was still a little bit of hope in his heart.

The funniest thing about teenagers was probably their capacity to make themselves believe what they wanted to be true. Or was that tragic?

Changkyun had started high school two months ago, and developed his crush two weeks in. He found out his crush’s name three days later: Hoseok. The thing was, since they both went in the same school, their paths crossed often.

It was usually nothing. A glance, a smile, a door held.. A glance from Hoseok, which was probably just to check if anyone was in his way, became a glance toward Changkyun because maybe Hoseok thought he was cute. A smile from Hoseok to his friend who just said something funny, became a smile for Changkyun to show him Hoseok knew him and acknowledged him, and maybe even liked him back? A door held, which is just the polite thing to do for Hoseok, became a chivalrous act that, once again, maybe showed some kind of love for Changkyun.

Changkyun knew he was seeing things where there weren’t any. They weren’t even friends. Hell, Hoseok didn’t even know he existed. So, Changkyun was moping about his non-existent love life, and Jooheon being the good friend he was, listened and patted his shoulder with a sympathy look on his face.

“Come on, Changkyun, cheer up a bit! I made a friend and we’re going to eat with him today!” Jooheon said while he all but dragged Changkyun to the cafeteria. Jooheon immediately walked up to a table occupied by two guys. One had black hair and an innocent look on his face and the other one had platinum blonde hair and a smile so big it looked like it was splitting his face in two.

“Hi Jooheon!” The blonde one said so loudly it was almost a shout and Changkyun flinched and took a step back. He should be used to it, the loudness. After all he’s been friend with Jooheon for years now. But that guy was even louder and it took him by surprise. “Oh, sorry didn’t mean to scare you. Are you Jooheon’s friend?”

“Er.. Yeah. Changkyun, nice to meet you.” He held back the I guess, because first that was not very nice and second, it was Jooheon’s friend. They were friends for a reason.

“I’m Minhyuk and this is my friend Kihyun.”

And this, marked the day everything changed.

 

At first, he disliked Minhyuk. It was very childish but he disliked him because whenever he was there, Jooheon was talking with him, laughing with him, joking around with him, and that left Changkyun, sitting back awkwardly with a guy he didn’t know and not knowing how to pick up a conversation with said guy. Kihyun was nice. He had nothing against Kihyun. Yet, it was always awkward. No matter what they did or said, there was this weird aura between them. So Changkyun did the thing he knew best, retreat back in his shell and not talk. He was just watching Jooheon, smiling sometimes but not actively taking part in anything.

They ate their lunch together every day. After a week, they also started walking home together. They would wait for each other in the morning. During the weekend, they would go out together, just hanging around, doing nothing in particular, just talking, sharing their lives and passions. They played basketball a lot in a park near their school and would often meet there after class, just to play a few games before going back home.

In barely two weeks, they had become a group of good friends. Even Changkyun, who seriously disliked Minhyuk, took a liking to the overexcited puppy. And the awkwardness between him and Kihyun was slowly, but surely, fading away.

Of course, that’s when Changkyun thought everything was going well and was relaxing around Minhyuk and Kihyun, that the latter decided to bring one of his friends in the group, disturbing the balance Changkyun had had trouble to create in the first place.

 

For the first time since Changkyun had met him three weeks ago, Kihyun was late. They always met in front of the cafeteria at five past noon. It was now a quarter past noon and he was nowhere to be seen so the three others decided to go in and eat since they had a class at one in the afternoon, and they couldn’t be late because the teacher was really strict and mean. As soon as they were seated, Kihyun stopped next to their table, with a guy shadowing him.

“Sorry guys I’m late, but I was trying to find Hyunwoo here.” He said as he pointed a finger to the tall guy standing behind him. Changkyun knew him. Well no, he did not know him, he recognized him. He had seen him many times hanging with Hoseok. That guy was in his senior year, what was he doing with Kihyun? “He’s my best friend.” It felt like Kihyun heard Changkyun's thoughts.

“Hi, nice to meet you. Kihyun has talked a lot about all of you.”

 

Changkyun really liked Hyunwoo. First, he was like a giant bear. Like, seriously, how could that guy be this huge but so soft at the same time. Not that an actual bear was soft or anything. Poke a bear and you’re his next meal. Poke Hyunwoo and he shares his meal. Second, he was really nice and caring, always paying attention to those around him and ready to give all he had for them. See the meal reference again. Third, he was quiet. And that, was a blessing. Because with Jooheon and Minhyuk who were screaming ninety percent of the time and Kihyun who, even if not nearly as loud as them, revealed himself to be as energetic, the silence was an abstract notion. But since Hyunwoo arrived, whenever the three got too much, Hyunwoo and Changkyun would just go away from them and either study or read a book. Sometimes they would talk.

Today was one of those days, they were all sitting inside when Minhyuk and Jooheon just ran off with Kihyun’s phone and Kihyun ran after them, trying to catch up. They ran out off the building. Well, good riddance. Enjoy the peace while it lasts.

“With all that snow, I bet you one of them will be sick by the end of the week.” Hyunwoo said and Changkyun could only agree. It would probably be Minhyuk since he easily got sick. “Probably Minhyuk. This kid gets sick way too easily.” Changkyun smiled when he heard Hyunwoo echoing his thoughts. He went back to his maths homework and Hyunwoo went back to his book.

Not even three minutes had passed when they heard a loud crash and they were not surprised when they saw Minhyuk pinned on the floor, Kihyun sitting on him. Jooheon sat next to Changkyun and hid his face in his shoulder, Changkyun could hear he was out of breath.

“Hyunwoo, mind if I join your little kindergarten?”

Changkyun looked at the newcomer, and immediately wished he hadn’t. Standing in front of him was Hoseok. As beautiful as ever. The prettiest smile on his face. It felt like he was shining. It was like Changkyun had his own little sun. And the tip of his nose was red because of the cold. And oh God, this was the cutest thing Changkyun had ever seen. And his voice, even his voice was perfect. He did his best to hide his reactions, he dropped his head low and pretended to work, when really he was just looking at Hoseok from the corner of his eye. Trying to take in his beauty, to remember every little detail he could notice. At one point, his eyes met Hoseok’s and he nearly died because his crush just looked at him.

Man, he was screwed.

 

When he thought he was screwed, he didn’t know how right he was. Because even though he had known Hyunwoo was one of Hoseok’s friends, he missed the most important thing. That is, Hoseok was Hyunwoo’s friend. Don’t you understand? Of course, they would want to spend time together.

Changkyun was Jooheon’s friend. Jooheon was Minhyuk’s friend and so, they hung out with him. And since Kihyun was Minhyuk’s friend, the four of them became friends. Obviously. And then, Kihyun also wanted to spend time with his best friend Hyunwoo so Hyunwoo was added to their group. But you couldn’t just rip Hyunwoo from his own friends, so Hoseok and Hyungwon, another one of his friends, were added into the mix. And there. Seven guys. Changkyun was near his crush nearly every day. His heart couldn’t take it anymore. His brain was melting. Brilliant. Great. All this thanks to Jooheon.

 

A few weeks went by and Hoseok and Hyungwon had spend many free periods with them. Changkyun had mixed feeling. He didn’t know if he wanted to thank Jooheon for giving him so many opportunities to be close to his crush, or strangle Jooheon for giving him so many opportunities to be close to his crush. Oddly enough, Changkyun had yet to hold an actual conversation with Hoseok. Whenever Hoseok tried to talk him, he would turn into a stuttering and blushing mess, giving up after a few seconds of struggle and choosing to look at his feet and stay silent. Others explained that he was a shy and reserved kid, uncomfortable around new people. Changkyun felt guilty about this whole ordeal and forced himself to actually say hello or answer when he was asked a question.

Pathetic.

 

Changkyun was sitting at his desk and Jooheon was on his bed. They had a project in literature. The teacher gave the work three weeks earlier, but they kept postponing it. And here they were, nineteen hours from the due date, trying to do something that would give them a decent grade. Changkyun was still trying, Jooheon was just staring ahead of him, a blank look on his face.

“You should tell him, you know.” Jooheon broke the silence.

“Hm? And what do I say?”

“How you feel.”

“Sure.” Changkyun snorted, dropped his pen and turned toward his friend. “He’s gonna kick me so hard, I’ll end up on the moon.”

“What? No, he would never do that.”

“Come on, think about you’re saying. Tell him how I feel? I’ll just go like Hi Sir, I haven’t done the assignment because I felt deeply annoyed and unconcerned by what you said.”

“What the fuck are you on about?” Changkyun raised an eyebrow.

“The fucking project, what else?”

“You fucking donkey!” Jooheon got up and slapped Changkyun behind the head. “I was talking about Hoseok! Why would I want you to talk about your feelings to our teacher? Something’s wrong with you! You sure you have a brain in there?”

“How was I supposed to know you were talking about this?” Changkyun mumbled.

“So?”

“So what?”

“Are you going to tell him? You should just ask him out. I think he likes you. Like I don’t know, I just have this feeling.”

“Yeah, the same kind of feeling you had when you said this project would be easy and done in an hour uh?”

“Er.. I don’t know what you’re talking about. But anyway, I really think you should ask him out.”

 

The next day, at eight, Changkyun and Jooheon were in their literature class, ready to hand in their project. Changkyun was distracted. He kept replaying the conversation he had with Jooheon in his head. Maybe he could ask Hoseok out? It wouldn’t hurt, right? What was the worse that could happen? Rejection? He could get over it, after all it was just a crush, not the love of his life or something. Sure during the last month, he had seen Hoseok a lot, though there was not much interactions between the two of them. Yes, Changkyun could ask him out. Yes, he would ask him out during the break.

The break came around way earlier than Changkyun thought and he was stressing out. Hoseok was putting his stuff in his locker. Changkyun and Jooheon were on the other side of the corridor, against the lockers.

“Come on, you’re a champion, go ask Hoseok out. You can do it.”

Changkyun nodded.

He walked up to Hoseok and took a deep breath.

“Hey. Er.. So, we’ve known each other for a while now, and er.. I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me.”

Hoseok turned toward him with an eyebrow raised. He pulled out his headphones.

“Did you say something?”

Right at this instant, all the courage Changkyun had built up disappeared. He felt like crying but still gave him a pained smile.

“D-Do you have a pencil?”

“Oh. Yes, sure.” Hoseok opened his bag, totally oblivious to what had just happened, and handed a pencil to Changkyun. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.”

Changkyun walked away. As soon as he had rounded the first corner, he ran.


	2. L'Enfer c'est les autres

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If he'd known his life would be like this, he'd never have listened to Jooheon..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys  
> I'm sorry it's been a long time  
> I was supposed to post a week or so after I posted the first part but my computer died  
> so basically I had to re write everything ? So my spirits about this fic kinda died and I was frustrated because the second shot is not as good as the first one  
> anyway, enjoy this, maybe?

The worst thing about high school has never been the teachers or the homework, or even the grades. No. The worst thing about high school has always been the kids themselves.

Changkyun was in the boys bathroom, looking at his reflection in the mirror.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Everything was fine. Hoseok didn’t even reject him, he didn’t even know Changkyun had asked him out.

He looked down at his shaking hands, adrenaline flowing through his veins. It had taken him quite some time to gather enough courage to go and ask him, so when Hoseok had made him repeat, all this courage suddenly disappeared thus letting the panic settle in.

But everything was fine. Nobody knew about this failure.

He came out of the bathroom to find Jooheon leaning on the wall next to the door, obviously waiting for him.

“Did he reject you? Do you want me to kick his ass?”

“No and no.”

“So what happened?”

“Come on, we have maths now, I’ll tell you there.”

 

Changkyun sighed as he let himself fall down on the couch. This day had been tiring.

He had told Jooheon about what had happened with Hoseok, or rather what had not happened. Jooheon had been upset for the rest of the day because Changkyun had “finally grabbed his balls but this idiot had ruined everything with his damned headphones”. So Jooheon has basically ignored Hoseok during lunch and had stayed silent most of the afternoon. Class was usually boring, but class with a sulking Jooheon and without any distractions was Hell.

So Changkyun was really glad when he came home. His mother was in the kitchen while his father was on the couch next to him.

“How was your day?” His father asked as he lowered the sound of the television.

“Good. How was yours?”

“Good as well. We finally sealed the deal with the Americans.”

“That’s good news.” His father hummed. They both turned their attention to the television. A few minutes passed before Changkyun rose from the couch. “I’ll go and see if mum needs help.” His father hummed again. When Changkyun walked into the kitchen, his mother was bent over a bunch of vegetables. “Let me do it.” He said as he went over and took the knife from his mother’s hands. He put it down on the counter next to him and helped his mother up.

“Thank you.” He smiled at her and got to work, peeling the potatoes first and forgetting completely his crush.

 

The next day, he arrived late in class. It wasn’t uncommon, the teacher sent him a disapproving look but still told him to go sit down. As he was walking to the back rows of the room, he noticed a few kids looking at him and laughing.

He reached up with his hands, wondering if there was something on his face. He sat next to Jooheon and whispered, “Is there something I missed? Why are they laughing? It’s not the first time someone is late, what’s funny?”

“I have no idea. Don’t mind them.”

As the day went by, Changkyun noticed more people looking his way then suddenly grabbing their friends and whispering furiously while still looking at him.

Something was going on but he had no idea what. He had asked his friends during lunch but none of them knew anything so he had dropped the subject. But now, there was this ugly feeling growing in his guts. Well, just two more hours, and then this shitty Tuesday would be over.

 

On Wednesday, he overheard some kids from his class talking about him. “That kid, you know, Changkyun, I was looking at him earlier and really, it’s no wonder he’s single.” “Did you see him? He has no shame.” “Has he ever looked in a mirror?” “Always late and never getting anything right in class.” “Oh have you ever seen his face? His acne is disgusting!”

Changkyun had heard all this, he knew this already. He was not cute, nor handsome. He was not the brightest in class. But the thing was, why were they suddenly going after him like that? Did he do something that pissed them off? Why would they say such hurtful things about him?

 

On Thursday, it felt like everybody was watching him, mocking him, judging him. Even people he had never even approached before laughed at him.

He stayed for the first period.

And the second.

But it got too much.

So when the bell rang, he grabbed his stuff and left.

When he got home, no one was there.

He went straight to bed and watched the ceiling above him until he fell asleep.

Changkyun startled when he heard the front door being slammed. He took his phone and unlocked it. It was almost six in the afternoon. He had some missed phone calls from Jooheon and Kihyun. And many texts in the group chat that all asked the same thing in the end: “where are you?”. He typed a quick “felt sick and went home, sorry” and hit sent. He went to find his mother in the living room. She started when she saw him.

“Oh! You’re home early!”

“Yeah I felt sick this morning so I came home.” He explained quietly. “But I feel better now,” he added when he saw his mother approaching him with a hand aiming for his forehead.

She still put the back of her hand on his forehead then on his neck and hummed. “Okay. If you say so. Then can you help me get the meal ready?” She smiled. He nodded and followed her in the kitchen. They washed their hands and Changkyun followed the instructions his mother gave him.

“Last day of the week. Finally.” Minhyuk said while dropping in a chair next to Hyunwoo. “I’m so done with everything. I just wanna sleep and play video games.”

“I really want to play Mario Kart right now..” Jooheon sighed dramatically, “It’s been so long since I last played.. But I know I have to focus on my studies-”

“What studies?” Kihyun cuts in. “All you do in class is play tic tac toe with Changkyun. Or sleep. Or talk. Or eat.” Jooheon opened his mouth to protest. “Don’t think I don’t know this. You’re not my only friends here, I know a lot of people.”

Minhyuk acted like he was hurt at the thought of Kihyun having other friends, putting his hand over his heart and faking tears while talking about traitors. The conversation eventually turned to their plans for the weekend.

Changkyun was not listening to his friends anymore. He had heard whispers from a guy sitting at the table behind him.

“This kid really feels no shame. He dared asking the hottest guy in this entire school out and got rejected in less than a second and look at him sitting next to him again. Does he think he’ll get a pity date? Does he really think a hot guy like Hoseok would be, well first, gay? And second, would he seriously be interested in an ugly kid like that? Wow this kid got a lot of hope in his pea-sized brain!”

Changkyun felt so ashamed right at this instant. Those guy knew what had happened on Monday. Worse. What he had said made sense. Hoseok wasn’t gay. And even if he was, he wouldn’t be interested in the awkward and ugly little freshman. His eyes were burning. His fists were clenched around his tray. He took a deep breath before clearing his throat.

“Uh.. Guys, I’m done eating and I need to go to the- the bathroom. See you later.”

He didn’t give them a chance to answer, immediately getting to his feet, taking his tray up and exiting the room. He then went to the bathroom. He was leaning against a sink, looking at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red, anyone who saw him would immediately know he had been crying. He splashed water on his face. As he was reaching for paper, he heard the door being pushed opened and a few voices and laughs. He dried his face and picked his bag up.

“Oh look at this! Isn’t that our little Changkyun? Our little very gay freshman who got very rejected by his crush?”

“I – I don’t know what you’re talking about. I-”

“Oh no, no lie please. Remember, on Monday, near the lockers? See, you can’t lie, because I was there.”

“Well, you- you might have been there b-but it doesn’t mean the things you s- say are true.” Changkyun cursed himself when he stuttered. Way to go to appear like a victim. Those guys were smiling but their smiles were cruel. And the guy who kept talking was the worse. He knew that guy, Seojoon, he was a senior, he had seen him in Hyunwoo’s class.

“You’re making a point there.. But,” he shook his head like he was disappointed, “I’m not an idiot.” Seojoon took his phone out of his jean’s pocket. “You see, I heard your red-haired friend giving you a pep talk. I couldn’t believe it so I took my phone because you know, if you do something really stupid, might as well have someone filming the whole thing, right?” Changkyun’s heads shot up, fear obvious in his eyes. “Ah, there, you got it now. I filmed everything. But I couldn’t just keep it to myself. So I send it to a few friends. And oh, it appears one of them put that up on some social media or something.. Oops?” He tapped a few times on his phone and then turned the screen toward Changkyun. He was there talking to Hoseok, Hoseok turning to him with a weird look on his face and Changkyun fleeing. Seojoon put his phone back in his pocket. “Thing is even though that was funny, you’re going against nature. That gay thing? Nope, not possible here. I don’t like to pick on kids, especially when they’re really ugly or stupid or both, but really you’re not giving me any other choice here.”

There was a signal somewhere in this sentence. There had to be. A word maybe? Because as soon as Seojoon finished his sentence, his friends got closer while one stayed close to the door. Changkyun could feel the adrenaline spreading in his veins, the panic settling in, the fear and realization of what would probably happen to him felt like a huge bang in his head.

And then it happened. The first punch was thrown and landed in his stomach. The second one landed right under his sternum. And then it was Hell. The guys hit him in whatever area they could reach. One of them pushed behind his legs, forcing him to kneel and a kick in the back had him sprawling on the floor. As soon as he touched the floor, the kicks rained on his body. He wasn’t even trying to defend himself. He just curled in a ball and closed his eyes, trying to make himself appear as small as possible and praying that they would stop soon or that he would lose consciousness. Either was fine.

Suddenly, just as fast as it had started, it stopped. Changkyun didn’t move, anticipating the moment they would start again. He couldn’t breathe. He was trying so hard not to cry, his eyes were burning again. Had they stopped burning at one point during this day? He didn’t even know. After an eternity, probably a minute and a half in reality, Changkyun cracked an eye open. He was alone. He struggled to get up. It took him about ten minutes to make himself look somewhat okay. Tucking his shirt back in his pants. Dusting his clothes. Putting his hair back in place. He got his phone out and opened the group chat. “Guys I need your help, something happened”, he was about to hit send but paused to think about it. No, he couldn’t tell them. He erased everything and started over “don’t feel like going in history, I’ve suffered enough for today, I’ll skip, Have fun”. This time, he hit send.

A few seconds later Jooheon’s answer appeared, “Man really? You’re leaving me? Traitor! But well I guess you got hit in the face enough with maths this morning, you don’t need another punch. Have fun when you’re home, don’t forget about me, suffering on my own”.

Changkyun let out a dark laugh.

 

He had spent most of the weekend buried in his bed under the covers, leaving his bed only to take a shower, pee or eat. He had avoided his friends, just sending a text saying his parents had made plans for the weekend so he had no other choice. His phone had been turned off since then. He hadn’t said more then a dozen of words to his parents either. They probably thought he was going through some dark phase that made him moody because he was a teenager. So they hadn’t brought up the subject and had acted like everything was fine. Basically just ignoring him back.

On Sunday night though, his mother called him and demanded he joined them in the living room. They had to talk. Sighing and cursing his luck in his head, he reluctantly got out of bed but kept his blanket wrapped over his shoulders, and trudged slowly in the living room.

His parents were sitting on the couch, his mother leaning against his father, both were smiling fondly at him. But that was not what got his attention. No. What got his attention was the suitcases standing near the front door.

“What’s going on?” Changkyun asked, biting his lower lip.

“We’re going back to Boston for two weeks.”

“Really dad? Great! I’ll go pack my bags!” Changkyun was smiling, his happiness bleeding through his voice. He turned around and stepped toward his room. His father’s voice stopped him.

“You’re not coming with us.” Changkyun turned around, his heart sinking, his good mood forgotten. “I’m sorry but we’re just going because I have to settle a few things for work. We’d take us with you but you have class. Missing two or three days would be acceptable but missing two weeks? We can’t let that happen.”

“Oh. Alright, I understand.” He tried to swallow back his disappointment. “When are you leaving?”

“Tonight, we’re waiting for the taxi.”

“Oh. Well, enjoy your trip, be safe.” He kissed his parents goodbye. “I’ll see you in two weeks then.”

“Changkyun, wait. We’re sorry, we wish we could-”

“It’s okay.” No, it was not. “I understand, really.” No, he did not, really. He gave them a half smile and went back to his room, crawling under the covers. He wanted to go back to Boston too. He missed Boston. He missed his friends there. He turned his phone back on but didn’t pay attention to the texts and calls he missed. He turned the music on and locked his phone before he threw it on the pillow next to his head.

He let himself be lulled to sleep by the sweet and slow music playing next to his ears.

 

On Monday morning, he woke up. He was alone. He went in the kitchen, there was a note on the counter. His mother had prepared meals in advance. He opened a cupboard but when he saw the different boxes of cereals and cookies, the idea of food wasn’t appealing anymore so he closed the cupboard. He took a shower, checked everything he needed was in his bag. He was ready to go. But he was early. He still had twenty five minutes to kill.

He took his phone out. He read the texts his friends had sent him. Then he noticed there were more texts, from unknown numbers. He read them all. All of them were insults.

“You’re a fag, go die”

“Don’t come back, we don’t want you here”

“You filthy scum better stay from Hoseok”

“You’re so fucking ugly I want to bleach my eyes whenever I see you”

“Can’t you do something about your acne it’s so fucking gross”

“How about you lose some weight uh”

He sighed and went to school with a heavy heart.

At noon, he pushed his food around in his plate, barely eating anything. He could feel all the gazes on him. He could hear all the laughs. He waited for fifteen minutes and left. He went to the bathroom. Exactly, twenty four seconds after, the door opened to let Seojoon and his friends in. They beat him up. Just like they did the last time. Changkyun went home and cried himself to sleep.

 

On Tuesday, he woke up. He was still alone. He ate two cookies but then he felt sick so he stopped. He read all the texts he had received since the previous morning. He took a shower, grabbed his bag, put his phone down on the kitchen counter and left for school. At noon, he sat with the others but not as close as he used to. After fifteen minutes, he left. He went to the bathroom and exactly twenty four seconds after, Seojoon came in with his minions. He assisted to his afternoon classes. He got home, cooked a ramen but after three bites he felt sick. He kept eating and threw up a little bit after. He cried himself to sleep.

 

On Wednesday, he woke up but stayed in his bed. He didn’t want to get up. He checked all the texts he had received overnight. He finally got up, took a shower, grabbed his bag and went to school. At noon, he went straight to the bathroom and sat near the sink. Ten minutes later, Seojoon came in. Changkyun went to class after that. He got home and sat in front of the huge window in the living room.

 

On Thursday, he was awake, he hadn’t slept. He checked his phone, grabbed his bag and went to school. At noon, Seojoon was already waiting for him in the bathroom. He was alone. Changkyun just took the hits without a word. He went to class after that. He got home and sat in front of the living room’s window.

 

On Friday, he was awake. But he wished he was dead.

 

Changkyun did not leave his spot on the floor. He spent the whole day there. At some point, he got a text from his mother telling him they would stay one more week in Boston. He wanted to be there too. That was unfair.

The following days passed in a blur, all mixing and becoming like one. His phone was still blowing up with texts and calls and notifications but he couldn’t be bothered to check anymore. He got the message. They didn’t want him there, so he wouldn’t go there. Simple. The phone in the house rang a few times too. But once again, Changkyun couldn’t be bothered.

He spent most of his time sitting on the couch. Only getting up to eat, pee and take a shower sometimes.

On Thursday, the door opened. That was weird. Because only him and his parents had the key. But his parents were in Boston, without him. And since Changkyun himself was sitting on the couch, it couldn’t be him opening the door. He looked over his shoulder. His mother was standing there.

She yelled. A lot. Changkyun had always hated it, when his mother yelled. He hated it even more when she yelled at him. He felt a tear rolling down his cheek, he wiped it as fast as he could. But his mother had seen it. She stopped yelling. She sat next to him and pulled him into a hug. Changkyun broke down in tears. He told her. How he was attracted to boys. How someone had discovered in his school. How he was bullied everyday by everyone. But he didn’t tell her how he had been beaten everyday too.

“I don’t want to go there anymore.” He whispered against his mother’s shoulder. “Please don’t make me go back there.”

“I wish baby, but you know you have to go to school..”

“No please, please, please, don’t make me go back, just please, mum, please, don’t do this to me..”

“Sh.. Baby shh, we’ll find a way okay? We’ll figure something out..”

 

On Sunday, his father came home because his wife had told him his son needed him. They sat on the couch, talked for hours, Changkyun sitting between his parents.

 

On Monday, Changkyun’s parents were signing all the papers necessary. Their son would not go this school anymore. He would receive the lessons at home and do everything from home. He wouldn’t ever go back to this place. He would never see any of the people in this school.

There was one thought that wouldn’t leave Changkyun’s mind. Exactly three weeks earlier, he had asked Hoseok out. And somehow, everyone suddenly hated him.

Maybe they were right. He was a freak. He should just stay away. It didn't matter anyway. He would never see Hoseok again. Never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, yeah, here we are  
> all this wait.. for this?  
> It was supposed to be only two parts, but since I had to start over a lot changed and I now have something else after the end I had planned at first.. So I can just stop and end this here, or I can post the other parts, you tell me what you want  
> okay tell me if you enjoyed that, if i should just stop writing or whatever you want, kudos appreciated  
> and once again I'm sorry for the wait.  
> thank you for reading and for all the comments and kudos I received so far you're amazing thank you  
> see you guyyyys


	3. Take this journal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun's wish is granted. Is it the end of his problems? Or just the beginning?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys  
> So thank you for all the comments, they basically said "continue" so here I am  
> enjoy

It had been almost two weeks since Changkyun had stopped going to school.

He was feeling better. He could stay home all day long. He could study whenever he felt like it. He could help his mother by doing some housework himself and by giving her a hand in the kitchen.

His parents had wanted to take days off to stay with him but they only managed to get two or three before they had to go back to work. So, with his parents away for most of the day, Changkyun sometimes felt kind of alone but it didn’t bother him. He hadn’t kept contact with anyone from school. Not even Jooheon. His parents had taken his phone away when he had told them about the texts he was receiving. And since then, he hadn’t asked if he could get it back or have a new one. What was the point anyway? He didn’t want to hear from anyone he knew from this school and he wasn’t going out so really, no point in having a phone. He couldn’t help but wonder if someone had noticed he was gone.

Even though he felt better, he was not alright. He had trouble sleeping, often had nightmares and woke up breathless and crying. He couldn’t eat a lot, not that he didn’t want to, his body was just rejecting it even though he was craving it. He talked less. He didn’t talk a lot to begin with but now he would just talk quickly, quietly and his answers would be as short as possible. He wouldn’t let himself be touched anymore, even his parents couldn’t touch him. Even his mother just pushing his hair back would make him panic.

He had told his parents he simply needed space to pick himself back together. So his parents gave him space.

But then, they noticed things. His mother particularly.

How he would go the toilets as soon as they were done eating. Not that he ate much anyway. And how he would immediately go and brush his teeth right after.

How every time she would go in the bathroom after him, the mirror would be covered up.

How his curtains in his room would be closed all day long but opened wide at night.

How he would talk only if he was being talked to first.

How he would flinch whenever someone moved too suddenly.

How he would start whenever a noise was too loud.

How he would try to hide his face whenever a phone was pointed his way.

How he only wore sweaters and big hoodies and often looked like he was too hot but when he was told he could take it off he would just leave the room.

His mother was worried. Really worried. That’s why she booked an appointment with a psychologist.

 

“Could you tell me something about your first childhood memory?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Can you answer the question?”

Changkyun sighed. He hated this man. He hated this place. The walls were too white, too hospital-like. There was nothing personal in this room, no pictures, no paintings, no perfect little family standing on the desk, no nothing. Just a desk and a chair near the door which were perfectly neat, not a single sheet of paper out of place. There was a couch facing away from the window and an armchair next to it. The couch and armchair were that weird colour between cream and white. Oh God that colour was truly disgusting.

“Changkyun?”

Oh God just shut up. Why did it matter anyway? First childhood memory. Who cares?!

“I don’t know. I don’t remember.”

“Then not the first, but a childhood memory?”

“I don’t know.”

“Of course you know, there has to be at least one.”

 _Well yeah there was this time when I was happy and wasn’t gay wow this time of my life was brilliant_. But he damn well knew that if he said that, the guy would never let it go.

“I can’t think of anything right now and, I don’t see the point.”

“The point is to compare your memories, to try and see what went wrong with you.”

“What went wrong with me? What about those guys? There was something wrong with the guys who beat me up on a daily basis and who-”

“But you wanted that.”

“I’m sorry?”

“You once said that you went back to the place where they beat you, every day, at the same time. You were asking for it.”

“No! Of course not! You don’t understand shit!”

The psychologist wrote a few things down on his notepad with disapproval obvious on his face. He sighed.

“I think I need to talk to your parents.”

What? What the fuck? No. The point of all this shitty sessions was that, if Changkyun talked to this asshole, he wouldn’t have to say anything to his parents. What kind of shit was he pulling? Changkyun was frozen on the couch. He watched the psychologist rise from his armchair and walk calmly through the room. Watched him when he opened the door and let his parents in. Listened as he told them to “have a sit next to Changkyun”.

“I’m really sorry to tell you this but I think it’s for the best. As you know, it’s part of our policy to never reveal what is said during our sessions. I’ve had four sessions per week with your son for almost three weeks now. And sadly, he has a lot of problems that cannot just be resolved here. They’re rooted deep. Think of his problems as a tree. At first, it’s tiny and its roots are not deep in the ground, put a little force and pull and the tree is out. But I think, your son’s tree has been here for years. It grew strong and deep into him, and I, no matter how hard I try, cannot pull it out. I think what happened in those last few months were caused mainly by Changkyun himself. I suggest you put him in a hospital, for his best, and also for people around him. He will receive better care there and won't be a danger to himself or others. I'm afraid he also shows some violent and aggressive behaviour. It's really for the best. He'll be treated in better conditions.”

Changkyun wanted to get up, to trash the room, to scream none of it was his fault, to yell at this shitty doctor because he was lying, but he couldn’t. He was stuck in place. It felt like his feet were stuck in the floor. Like he was drowning. He couldn’t speak because of the lump that had settled in his throat. His eyes were burning.

None of that was true. Right? It wasn’t his fault! He didn’t ask for any of that! Or did he? Maybe he did. He did not know anymore. He was lost. He was drowning in his own mind. Nothing was right. None of this was right. He never wanted any of that. He didn’t mean to create all this.

He looked at his parents. They had so much pity in their eyes. And he could see the disappointment on their faces. And their body language, it just showed tiredness. Oh and the shame, bleeding through every pore, anyone could feel it everywhere in the room.

 

Eighteen hours.

That was the exact time that had passed between the talk his parents had with his psychologist and his arrival at the hospital.

Eighteen hours.

They hadn’t even waited a full day before getting rid of him.

Eighteen hours.

He was sitting on a bed in a white empty room. There was a lingering smell. Antiseptic?

Eighteen hours.

He only had enough time to pack a bag with clothes and books. His belt were taken away when he was brought in as well as his shoelaces and a few books judged “too dangerous for an unstable mind”.

Eighteen hours.

He thought he had hit rock bottom. But somehow, he was able to get lower.

Eighteen hours.

Eight in the morning. He would meet his new psychologist at nine. But he had to change first. A pair of grey sweatpants and a grey T-shirt given by the hospital.

Nineteen hours.

“Please take your journal and follow me. I will take you to doctor Han.”

Nineteen hours.

The nurse showed him in an office then closed the door, probably waiting right outside. A desk with two chairs on Changkyun's side and a chair on the other side. Children’s drawings hanging on the wall behind the desk. A guitar sitting next to the desk along with a piano. Oh. There was a sofa facing the piano. The window behind it was wide and there was no curtain. You could see the city. Even though it was situated on the seventh floor, there were no bars or security on the window. On the wall behind him were pictures. A lot of them. Children. Teenagers. A woman was on most of those pictures. Everyone seemed happy, except on a few pictures, on which you could see the sadness on the child’s or teenager’s face. The woman was always smiling though. A beautiful and bright smile. She did not look like she was from the staff. She was not mean or strict looking, not wearing a medical blouse, her hair were untied. Maybe she was the psychologist’s wife or something.

Nineteen hours.

The door opened on a woman. The woman. The one that was in every pictures. She looked surprised to see him.

“Oh, you’re already here? Changkyun, right?”

“Yes, Madam.”

“Sorry, I was expecting you at nine.” She frowned and checked her watch. “Oh and you’re right on time. I’m the one who is late. Well done me. Please, have a seat.” Changkyun sat and observed her moving around the room. She put her bag on the desk and went to open the window. “Ah some fresh air. At least as fresh as possible here.” She shrugged off her coat and draped it over the back of her chair. “Please tell me if you’re cold, it’s only March after all.” She took a laptop out of her bag as well as a few files. “Did you eat breakfast?” Changkyun shook his head. “Really? Oh I’ll get something then, I’m hungry too. I’ll be back.” She left the room

Nineteen hours.

For the first time in nineteen hours, Changkyun allowed himself to relax. He sank a little in the chair and played with the hem of his shirt. After a few minutes, he couldn’t help himself and looked at the opened windows. Weren’t there patients here maybe subject to suicidal thoughts? Was leaving the window opened like this a good idea? Especially since they were on the seventh floor?

“Do you want to jump?”

Changkyun started in his seat, he turned his head so fast he heard his neck crack. He hadn’t heard her opening the door nor closing it. He shook his head.

“No, of course not. I was just-” He stopped himself. Was he even allowed to question her? She knew what she was doing right? “Nevermind, sorry.”

“Alright. If you ever want to tell me, I’ll listen to you.” She smiled at him, then brought a little bag near her head. “So, I got Skittles, chocolate brownies and some Mars bars. What do you want?”

“I’m sorry.. But I was told I was allowed to eat what they bring to my room only.”

“Oh I know.” She sat on the desk. “But I don’t really care, and neither should you.” She emptied the bag next to her. “If you’re hungry, eat. And if you don’t have anything to eat, then come here, I’ll always have something.”

Nineteen hours.

They ate in silence. She broke it.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Changkyun looked up from the wrapper he was observing. He tilted his head to the side, frowning.

“I’m sorry?”

“Eat. Don’t force yourself. If you’re not hungry, that’s fine.”

He looked down at the Mars he had opened. He had taken a little bite but had been playing with the wrapper since then. He could feel the blood rushing in his cheeks and the shame burning.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to waste food.”

“It’s fine. I’ll take care of it.” She reached over the desk and snatched the candy from his hands. She then bit into it. “You know, you say sorry a lot for someone who hasn’t done anything wrong.”

“How do you know I never did anything wrong?”

“Oh I didn’t say you _never_ did anything wrong, you probably got a friend punished for you or stolen a candy at some point like every kids. But, since you got in my office, you did nothing wrong, yet you keep on apologizing. Why is that?”

Changkyun looked down and played with his hands, discomfort obvious on his face.

“Too soon? Alright. You’ll come around. You’ll be fine.”

“Oh will I?”

“I don’t know. It’s all up to you, you know. You can decide to just stay like this because you don’t care enough anymore and just say fuck my parents and friends and fuck the world, what’s the point to all this. Or you can decide that, fuck this, you want to live, get better, spend time with the people you love and create happy memories and make yourself a happy self and a happy life.”

“You make it sound like it’s so easy.”

“It’s really not, don’t get me wrong. But, deciding whether you want to fight or give up is up to you, and it is this one decision that will create the path we will take together.”

Changkyun looked at her. Tried to look into her eyes but flinched almost immediately. Did he want to fight or give up? What was there even to fight but himself? He was the problem, wasn’t he? The tree that grows until it can’t be removed, that was him.

“What if I change my mind? What if I fight but it gets too hard and I give up?”

“Then, you would’ve fought hard, and it matters.” She picked the journal that was given to Changkyun when he got in the hospital. She opened it on the first pages then placed it in front of him. She took a pen and placed it right next to the journal. She looked straight at Changkyun’s face, tying to catch his eyes. “This journal is yours. Only you can write in it. Only you can read it. You can choose whether you write in it or not. You can write whatever you want in it. This journal might be revealed to me or others only if you decided to let us read or.. if you’re dead and your parents agree. I hope one day I will be able to read it. With you, sitting next to me.” Not once had she dropped her gaze. “Now, I will just ask you to write your name, date, and the reasons you’re here on the left page.”

He picked up the pen with a hand and held the journal with the other. Left Page.

_Im Changkyun_

_02/03_

_I’m here because I’m gay._

He then looked up at doctor Han.

“Can I write on the right page now? I have something to write right now.”

“Of course.”

He looked back down again. Right page.

_Day 1_

 

The first week was awful.

The window in his room couldn’t be opened because of security locks. And while Changkyun understood why they were here, it didn’t mean he wasn’t pissed off about it. He just wanted some air. He had asked a nurse about it, she had just shooed him back to his room.

His parents refused to come anywhere near the hospital, saying that they didn’t want to disturb him, that he had to focus on healing. They treated him like a broken toy sent away to be fixed which would only be taken back when said toy would be deemed good enough to function according to society’s standards.

The food was gross, disgusting. He was hardly hungry anymore. But when he was, he couldn’t even eat because the food served in this place was awful.

And now that he was stuck in a room that was not his own, in a place that was not his home, he missed what he used to have. There was no distractions here. No video games. No walks in the park. No new books. No greasy food. No good food actually. No one to talk to. No one who was willing to spend time with him. No one to dry his tears at night. No one to kiss him goodnight. No one to hold him after a nightmare. No one who cared about him. Of course , doctor Han was there but that was her job.

He was alone. He was lonely.

He wanted to go home.

 

The second week was better.

The food was still disgusting as ever, he was still bored but he was not lonely anymore.

On Monday, his parents had paid him a visit. They stayed the whole day with him.

On Tuesday, a nurse sneaked a burger in his room.

On Wednesday, his parents were allowed to bring him more books.

On Friday, doctor Han took him outside of the hospital building. In the hospital’s park, yes. But out is out.

 

The third week was good.

The food was still disgusting as ever but he ate what he was given with just a bit of whining.

It was easier to talk to doctor Han.

During the afternoons, he went down to the sixth floor where the pediatric ward was. He spent his afternoon playing with children, reading them stories, telling them beautiful tales about imaginary worlds, holding their hands until they were asleep and only letting go when they woke up because they were scared of being abandoned.

On Wednesday evening, he had a session with doctor Han. She believed he was better and decided she would ask for him to be released from the hospital. She only wanted him to come back to the hospital on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for a session because it was still necessary to ensure a full recovery.

On Friday morning, Changkyun was sitting at the nurse station, talking with them when his parents arrived. They introduced themselves and immediately, a nurse called doctor Han. When she got there, she explained to his parents what she had already told Changkyun. Sessions were still needed. Meals were not to get skipped whenever he felt like it. And reminding their son that he mattered and that none of what happened was his fault had to be done daily.

She then turned to Changkyun. “What is it that you should never forget?”

“It wasn’t my fault. I never was the problem.”

“Good. See you, next Monday.”

 

Going home was amazing.

He got back his room, his bed, his books, his video games, his clothes, his music, his family, his home.. Everything.

He was really glad he was home. For once, he felt happy. So something had to come ruin this.

On Saturday afternoon, someone knocked on the front door. His mother was busy cooking and his father was in his office. So Changkyun went to open the door.

Jooheon was standing there. His hair still as red as ever and a stupid look on his face due to the shock. Yes, Changkyun was there.

Jooheon opened his mouth.

Changkyun closed the door.

Hell no.

He was trying so hard to leave the past behind him. Why would the past come to haunt him?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> errr.. yeah  
> So I just want to take some time to thank all of you for reading, leaving kudos and comments, it really warms my heart, it's the first time I get so much nice things for a fiction so really thank you  
> The other parts will follow soon enough, it's hard for me to give precise dates because I'm always on the move so I don't have wi-fi everywhere and yeah okay  
> anyway thank you a lot  
> see you guyyyys


	4. Say It Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO'S BACK???? BACK AGAIN  
> Ok I'll shut up  
> Enjoy this

He was sitting on the floor, his back pressed to the door. He was breathing heavily. What the Hell was he doing here? How did Jooheon know he was coming back home this weekend? Did his parents thought he was a friend and told him?

He could still hear him knocking. He could still hear his muffled voice. He could hear Jooheon saying his name with that desperate tone of his, and the “please, open the door, we need to talk”. He was sure Jooheon had his puppy eyes at that moment.

“Changkyun!” He heard his mother calling him, but it felt like a shout lost in the distance. “Please open the door, someone is knocking!” He just stayed on the ground, motionless, lost in his own mind. “Changkyun!” Drowning in the questions that were filling his head. Wondering if Jooheon would ever let him be and if he would just forget about him and go away. “Changkyun!” The knocking stopped.

Did he left? Did he finally give up? Changkyun helped himself up using the wall and the door. He looked through the peep-hole to check if Jooheon was really gone.

Jooheon was still here. His back turned to the door and sitting on the steps. He suddenly got up and came back toward the door with a determined look on his face, making Changkyun take a step back out of fear. Couldn’t he just leave?!

A note appeared in the little space between the door and the threshold.

Changkyun checked through the peep-hole again. Jooheon was gone.

He took the note and ran back to his room.

 

It was Monday. First time he would go back to the hospital for a session with doctor Han. He had a lot to talk about. No matter what he tried to tell himself, Jooheon’s visit had shaken him up. And being home was hard too. Especially when his parents were gone. Because everything reminded him of the weeks he spent locked up here just staring out the windows and wishing he was dead.

His appointment was scheduled at three in the afternoon. His mother dropped him off at the hospital on her way to work at one and a half. He had a little over an hour to kill. He went up to the sixth floor. If he had too much free time, might as well make a good use of it.

Once he got off of the elevator, he was welcomed by cries and shout from children. He could see them in the huge playroom behind the nurses’ station. He went up to the station and waited for the nurse to be done with her paperwork before speaking up. He cleared his throat, causing her to look up. Her face brightened immediately and she beamed at him.

“Oh Changkyun! You’re back here! How have you been, Sweetheart? I hope you’re not here to stay! You have to take care of yourself! I don’t want to see your pretty face locked up in here ever again, do you understand?” She stopped long enough to stand up and leave the station. She grabbed him by the shoulders. “Oh my! Have you lost weight?” She tutted and looked at his face. “So tell me Dear, why are you back here?”

“Er.. I have to see doctor Han at three but my parents couldn’t take me any later than now. So.. I was wondering if I could spend a little bit of time with the kids?”

“Oh my! So nice of you! Of course, you can! Follow with me!”

 

The nurse came back to get him an hour later. “It’s almost time for you to meet doctor Han.” Changkyun nodded and said his goodbyes to all the kids.

He went up to the seventh floor. Stepped out of the elevator. Turn right. Walk past the first three doors. Turn right again. Walk straight until you reach the end of the corridor. Door number 732. Knock twice. “Come in”. A bit of small talk.

“So, today I wanted to talk about something you’ve been avoiding ever since the first time we met.”

“Er.. I have something to say first.. Something happened this weekend.”

“Oh.. Yes, of course, tell me. What happened?”

“Saturday afternoon. One of the.. One of the guy I used to hang out with in school came by my house.”

“What happened? What did you talk about?”

“Er.. Nothing?.. I opened the door but when I saw him.. I panicked and slammed the door. I couldn’t talk to him.. I didn’t want to.”

“Why is that?”

“I have nothing to say to him and I don’t want to hear anything he has to say.”

“Why did you panic?”

“Because he surprised me. I wasn’t expecting him.”

“How did you feel when you saw him?”

“Bad. Really bad. Guilty. Sad. Betrayed.”

“Do you know why you felt that way?”

“I guess I feel guilty because I left without a word or an explanation. Sad because he was my friend. Betrayed because I really thought he was my friend.”

“So, he wasn’t your friend?”

“No. How can I call him my friend? He let that happen.”

“Let what happen?”

“You know what.”

“Yes, I know. But I’m not sure you do.”

“Some guys picked on me, bullied me, beat me on a daily basis. Everyone knew about the video. So he knew that too. Yet, not once did he say or do anything. He let that happen. It was his fault everything happened in the first place but he didn’t do shit about it.”

The doctor just stared at him, biting her lower lip, hesitation all over her face. She sighed.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“How Jooheon betrayed me?”

“No. Well this is a part of it but, I want to know about all your friends. You always say they did nothing to protect you. They just let everything happen. But you also said you never paid attention to what was going on around you.” She opened a notebook. “I asked you many times, to recall a conversation you had during the day, a lesson that was taught, something that caught your attention, but you always answered “I don’t know, I don’t remember” to all these questions.”

“I don’t see the point of.. all this..”

“The point is, if during all those days you tuned everything and everyone out, how do you know they never tried to reach out to you?”

“Because I know they didn’t.”

“How?”

Changkyun opened his mouth but no words passed the barrier of his mouth. How did he know? Well, they never called him right? Never tried to reach out in school. Never asked if he was okay. Never said anything about the video. They never did anything. He would have noticed. Right?

He tried to think of all the time they were together. When they waited for him in front of the school gate. Followed him to every class and waited for him at the end. Spent every lunches with him. Walked with him back home.

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I’m an idiot, right?”

“It depends on what you’re talking about.”

“I have to talk to Jooheon, and maybe the others too. I was being stubborn. You were right... I was in my own little world, I don’t really know what happened around me.”

“Good to see you realising that without needing my help.”

 

“Mum, do you still have my phone?”

“Why do you want it?” She looked up from her computer. “Are you trying to hurt yourself again?” Her voice rose slowly. “You’ll never get that thing back!”

“No, wait mum, I just-”

“ _No_ , Changkyun. I said no. You’re not getting this back.” She said while closing her computer, way harder than necessary. She rose from the couch, signalling this was not up for discussion.

“Mum! I just want one number in it!”

“No, you’re not getting it- what?” She froze in the doorway.

“I just want to get a number in it. A friend. That might have come by a few times.”

“Oh.. Are you talking about the kid with red hair?”

“Yes, I need to talk to him. Get a friend back. “

 

His mum had not given him his phone. She had charged it, turned it on, unlocked it and found the number all by herself. She refused to let him near “that devilish thing who nearly caused him to take away his own life”.

He was sitting cross legged on his bed. Jooheon’s number was resting on his right knee. The family phone was resting on his left knee. Doubt was overtaking his mind. He could feel the panic settling in his body. Breathe and count to ten.

One.

Everything was going to be just fine.

Two.

No one would hurt him.

Three.

He was just going to call someone.

Four.

Just a few minutes talking over the phone.

Five.

Talking to his friend.

Six.

His friend that never gave up on him.

Seven.

It would be just fine.

Eight.

It was just Jooheon.

Nine.

It would be alright.

Ten.

Okay. He could do that.

He picked up the phone and dialed Jooheon’s number.

No one picked up.

He called again but he still received no answer.

He wanted to cry. Why was he not picking up? Did he not want to talk to him anymore? But he came by his house often, right? Even his mother remembered him. And he saw him on Saturday, just two days earlier, and he wanted to talk to him. He had not invented that! He even left him a note.

The note.

He hadn’t read it yet.

He got up and searched on his desk, it had to be here. He had thrown it somewhere over here. It had to be there. Yes. It was there. He opened it, his hands shaking with fear and impatience.

_Changkyun, if you read this, please call me, I really want to talk to you. I don’t know what happened but we need to talk. I changed my number so if you want to call me, here’s my new number. Please call me._

Under the little message was a phone number.

He jumped back on his bed and dialed the new number. A voice answered almost immediately.

“Hello?”

“Err..” Changkyun was suddenly frozen in his spot, his voice gone.

“Changkyun?” He could not answer. Just hearing Jooheon’s voice was too much. “Changkyun, it’s you right. We need to talk. I’m so sorry for everything that happened. Can you please talk to me?”

“Jooheon..”

“Yes Changkyun, I’m here. I’m here. It’s me.”

“Jooheon..”

“Yes. It’s me.”

“Can you..” The lump in his throat was preventing him from talking. He felt like choking everytime he tried to speak. “Can you- come.. Can you come here please?”

“Yes, yes, of course, I’ll be here in fifteen, okay? I’m coming over.”

“Thank you.”

 

Eleven minutes. Barely eleven minutes had passed since he called Jooheon when the door to his room opened, revealing a kid with red hair and dressed terribly.

“Oh man..” Jooheon closed the door before slowly coming closer. He sat on the edge of the bed. “You look like shit man. Why are you eyes so red?”

Changkyun sat up, trying to be strong and holding back his tears. But it seemed like he failed when he saw Jooheon’s eyes widening suddenly. Jooheon closed the distance between them and hugged Changkyun as hard as he could. Changkyun let his head rest on Jooheon’s shoulder and sneaked his arms around him.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry kid. What happened to you?” Jooheon hugged him a little harder. He started ranting without thinking about it. “Christ, I’m so sorry about everything. We knew shit were happening and we tried to stop it but no matter how hard we tried there were stuff we didn’t know. And you always refused to talk. And we didn’t know what to do. We tried you know. We really tried. But since you didn’t talk or paid attention to anything, it got harder and harder to keep track of everything around you. I’m sorry.”

Changkyun moved his head just so that his mouth wasn’t pressed in Jooheon’s shoulder. He was confused about what he just heard. It felt like Jooheon and the others knew about the video, and the bullying, but  the most important thing was, it felt like they even tried to do something about it? What? How? When even?

“What are you talking about? I don’t understand.”

“Well, Seojoon and his little minions? Well at first we only caught his friends, we didn’t know Seojoon was part of this. We went after them to make them stop.”

“You knew?”

“Well, of course. What-” Jooheon pushed him back, just enough to see his face. “Changkyun, what do you think happened back in January?”

“Seojoon filmed me when I got rejected, sent the video to everyone, I was bullied, and alone and I left school.”

“That’s what you think happened?”

“That’s what happened.”

“No..” Jooheon pressed Changkyun back against himself. “No, of course not.”

“What am I missing then? Because it was Hell, and I clearly remember standing alone in Hell. What did I miss?”

“Us. We were there, all along. Of course, we knew about the video. You said it yourslef, he sent it to a lot of people. He sent it the day after the thing with Hoseok happened. Do you remember the following Thursday? You left at noon.”

It took him a second to actually think about what happened back then. “Yeah I wasn’t well so I went back home, I remember.”

“I was alone and bored, so I played on my phone, that’s when I saw the video. So after class, I gathered our little group and showed it to them. So on Friday, we tried to bring up the subject with you, but whenever we talked to you about it, you just shrugged or looked somewhere else. We all thought you were just embarrassed about all this and we dropped it. But then, you ignored us all weekend and didn’t even show up to play basketball on Sunday.”

“Yeah I’m sorry about all that.. Just leaving you guys without saying anything. And you know, I’m sorry for nor telling you guys anything, I just, I-”

“Shh, it’s okay. It wasn’t your fault. None of that was your fault. You don’t have to apologize for anything.” He stroked Changkyun’s hair. “On Monday, at noon, when you left we noticed some kids leaving too. But we didn’t really pay attention to them. But then you didn’t show up in the afternoon. And the next day, the exact same thing happened. That, added to you not talking and being more and more distant, we knew something was up. So.. We talked, and we decided to keep an eye on you.. That’s why we waited for you in the morning, had someone at the beginning and end of every class… “ Jooheon tensed. “But on Wednesday, we lost you after class and you never came to eat your lunch. We immediately looked for the guys we always saw leaving after you we found them. They refused to say anything. Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Kihyun kept an eye on them while Minhyuk, Hyungwon and myself went looking for you. We called you and texted you, and in the afternoon, you answered me, saying you were okay just too tired for school. On Thursday, you didn’t came for lunch, again, we were looking for you. And we saw you walking to our next class. So, we thought you were okay.. Because the guys were being watched by Hyunwoo and Hoseok so there was no way they could have bothered you. You didn’t say a word, in the afternoon. At this time, we had no idea Seojoon was a part of it too.” Changkyun could feel Jooheon’s hesitation. “And then, you disappeared. You were just gone.”

Jooheon stopped talking. He just held Changkyun who was sobbing against him. Jooheon could feel his own tears rolling down his cheeks. He was so glad Changkyun was here, alive, breathing in his arms. He had no idea what had happened to him during these two months. Was it three months? He didn’t know anymore. And it didn’t matter. All that matter was Changkyun, who was crying in his arms. This kid had really thought he was alone through all this shit. God dammit. How could he think that? What did this Seojoon asshole do to him to make him think this?

Carefully, he laid back against the pillows behind him, bringing Changkyun down with him slowly.

They fell asleep like that.

 

Ten days had passed, Jooheon came by every day after school to spend time with Changkyun.

Jooheon talked about Kihyun, school, Minhyuk, exams, Hyunwoo, video games, Hyungwon, basketball, and Hoseok sometimes.

Changkyun mostly listened. Sometimes, he would say a little something about the two months he had spent on his own.

They played video games a lot. And watched TV.

They also did their homework together.

Jooheon had given enought motivation to Changkyun, and had pushed him to start over his online classes.

 

It was Wednesday, Changkyun had just arrived home. The appointment with doctor Han had been.. overwhelming, to say the least. He couldn’t wait to go to his room and play video games or listen to music to relax a little.

He was taking off his shoes when he heard his parents talking.

One of the first thing his parents had taught him when he was a kid was to never eavesdrop. But well, sometimes he just couldn't help himself.

“-him like this.” He heard his mother say.

“Sure.” His father’s voice was soft. “He scared me. I really thought we had lost him.”

“But he’s doing better.”

“Of course he is. Our boy is strong. Look at him. Making friends again. Talking. Eating. Doing his homework. He’s only getting better now.”

Changkyun could hear the happiness in his parent’s voice. He smiled sadly, feeling guilty for worrying them and having them going through Hell. He opened the front door slowly and then slammed it loudly to make sure his parents heard it.

“Mum? Dad? I’m home!”

 

On Thursday afternoon, Changkyun was on the couch in the living room watching TV. He was waiting for the drama he had started watching the previous week to start. Jooheon couldn’t come by because he was grounded. His mother hadn’t been pleased when he brought back the worst grade of the class in maths.

After a few minutes, it began.

Changkyun was so into it. He really loved it. He would never miss this drama willingly. Not even a second of it.

So, of course, someone had to knock on the door at this exact moment. Changkyun was alone so he had to go and open the door.

Or.. He could just let the person think no one was there so they’d leave.

But what if it was important? His parents would kill him.

Or what if it was Jooheon?

He sighed loudly and let his head drop down against the back of the couch. He sighed again and got up to open the door.

Hoseok was standing there. Awkwardly. Like, really awkwardly.

“Er.. Hi… Changkyun..”

“Hoseok.” He sounded calm, but internally, Changkyun was freaking out. “What are you doing here?”

“Jooheon told me you were back, and I wanted to see you. So.. I thought.. I’d come?”

“Oh..” Changkyun hesitated for half a second. “Well, come in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... Long time no see  
> I was suposed to post earlier but I went to Paris and stayed there a week so yeah   
> anyway the questions you all asked have found the beginning of an answer right?  
> Also, I just realized.. I did a cliffhanger again... Er.. Sorry bout that  
> Tell me if you liked it, One Chapter left!!!  
> Kudos and comments appreciated!  
> Thank you all for reading !!!  
> See you guyyys


	5. 28 days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it's been a long time I know  
> to those who were always supportive and only had kind words, I'm sorry  
> But to those who came at me because of what I am writing and the pairings, piss off.  
> Just a little reminder that we write if we want to, on subjects and prompts that inspire us. Yall came at me because you don't like the story, okay I can understand but there's a way to say it, calling me a useless piece of trash or a bitch is uncalled for yknow ? And about the pairing, if you don't like the pairing, why are you here ? Oh my god just go and read about your OTPs and leave me alone ?!  
> Also most of the time, I write things people asked for ? Either on Tumblr or on twitter or wherever they contact me, if you want something, then ask me and I'll see if I can write it for you but don't you dare tell me to change my whole story, my whole plot just because one thing doesn't please you.  
> So yeah between this drama, work, college, and my motivation lost, this chapter only comes out now..  
> Anyway after a long wait here is the last part of this fiction.. enjoy ?

Hoseok was staring at the kimchi in his bowl, deep in thoughts.

All he could think about was Changkyun.

How everything had changed the previous day.

It had happened early in the morning.. The first step.

For the first time in almost two months, he had received a text from Jooheon.

The text was short, only one sentence, but this one sentence had troubled him.

_Might be good for Changkyun to have a talk with you._

And that, was a terrible idea. Hoseok had ruined this kid’s life without even knowing it. Changkyun probably wanted everything except talk to him. This was stupid. If a guy ruined your life, caused you to be bullied and beaten, would you want to talk to him? No.

So he just ignored Jooheon’s text.

But then, about an hour later, he got a text from Kihyun.

_Are you ignoring Jooheon? Seriously?! But really though, go talk with Changkyun._

He ignored that too. And got another message from Kihyun.

_Ignoring me too now? Wow, real mature. But well, not really surprising considering your behaviour since all the drama with Changkyun happened. Have fun by yourself then. Don’t come crying later when you’re lonely and need friends._

The second step was taken around noon, when Hyunwoo showed up at his house and banged on the door until Hoseok let him in.

Not much was said. Hyunwoo stared at him, glared at him in fact. And when Hoseok started squirming under his gaze, he finally opened his mouth. Hoseok wished he hadn’t.

“You need to get over yourself.” Hyunwoo sighed. His voice was low, almost a whisper. “Seriously. I don’t know what’s going on inside your head and really I don’t care, you’re not the victim here. We’re not asking you to be his best friend or marry him, we’re just asking you to go and talk with him. At least apologize. What happened was not your fault, but you played a part in it. You never tried to make things better. And after Changkyun left, you ran away like the coward you are. You owe him an apology and an explanation. Jooheon talked to him and, seriously, you have to go and see him. If you don’t, I’ll make you. This is not about you, this is about Changkyun. Do this for him. This is the least you could do after everything.”

And he left. Just like that.

Hoseok was left standing there feeling like an idiot.

The third and final step happened barely five minutes after Hyunwoo’s speech when his mother came home.

“I just met your friend on the way! He seemed quite angry, did something happen?” She asked as she took her shoes off. When she received no answer, she looked up. “Do you want to talk about it? You haven’t spoken of, or went out with your friends in a long time. Did they do something to you?” She asked so nicely, obviously worried for her son.

And that’s what did it. She was worried they were hurting her son, when, really, Hoseok was the one hurting them. He’d been a shitty person ever since Changkyun left school. His mother thought he was the victim here. Actually, it was the opposite.

Hoseok had to talk to Changkyun, right?

Explain himself, explain what happened, apologize.

“Hoseok? You have to tell me if you have a problem.” She expected him to answer, to tell her everything, he could see it in her eyes, but he didn’t have time, not right now. He had to see Changkyun and- “Hoseok. Tell me. What’s happening.”

“Mum, I- I have to go and see a friend, I’ll see you later okay.”

He grabbed a jacket and a pair of shoes, putting them on on his way out, hearing his mother shouting his name. He cringed, knowing she’d make him go through Hell later for leaving while she was talking to him. But well, he had better things to do at this moment.

He had run all the way to Changkyun’s house and knocked on the door, banged a little maybe.

But then, no one answered, the doubt slowly crawled in his mind. What was he even going to say? “Hi, sorry I ruined your life and got you to quit school, can I come in?” He wanted to leave. But the door opened. And Changkyun was there.

Once inside, and after a good ten minutes spent just looking at each other and standing awkwardly, Changkyun had moved to the couch, pulling Hoseok with him.

Hoseok had tried to apologize and talk about everything that had happened, but Changkyun had cut him almost immediately. “Don’t. We’ll talk about this someday, but not today.”

So, Hoseok had spent the whole afternoon with Changkyun, there was this weird feeling about him. Like he was keeping a big secret. Hoseok knew something was up but he couldn’t find out what.

And here he was now, staring at his food instead of eating it. He was supposed to go to Changkyun’s again that afternoon. He couldn’t wait.

 

“For the record, my mum kicked my ass yesterday night.”

“Because you left without giving her a proper answer?” Changkyun asked, propping his legs up on his desk.

“Because I, ungrateful son that I am, left without giving her a proper answer. She didn’t raise me like this. Rude. Impolite. She scolded me so much, I felt like a five years old who behaved badly.”

“You behaved badly.”

“Yeah, but I’m not five.”

“Are you sure about that?”

 

“Let’s go out.”

“Why?” Changkyun asked, frowning. He was sitting on the floor next to his window, while Hoseok was lying across the bed. “It’s good here.”

“Listen, I really love your room, but we spent the week here, and from what you told me, you don’t ever go out, aren’t you tired of seeing this all the time?”

“I do go out.”

“Really? When?”

Changkyun looked down at his hands. And Hoseok immediately regretted his words. He had just screwed up again, hadn’t he? He opened his mouth to apologize but Changkyun beat him to it.

“I go to the hospital three times a week.”

Hoseok was speechless. Why? Was he sick? Oh please no, he wasn’t sick, right? He couldn’t be. After a few seconds that felt like hours, he finally found his voice.

“Why?” He asked as softly as he could.

Changkyun sighed. He was playing with the hem of his shirt, still not looking at Hoseok. “Appointments with a psychologist.” Hoseok was lost. Why did he- What- “Maybe we should talk about it now..”

Hoseok watched as Changkyun rose from his spot on the floor and sat next to him on the bed. He brought his knees up and hugged them against his chest.

“What do you know about Seojoon and after I left?”

“Not much.”

“Can you tell me?”

“Yeah.. It started.. when Jooheon came to see us at the end of the afternoon to show us a video, you weren’t there.”

“So you knew? All along. You knew I tried to ask you out?”

“Well, yes. I tried to bring it up with you once, you just shrugged and walked off with Jooheon, so I.. I let go, you know? I thought that.. this thing had just put an end to this crush or I don’t know.. And you never talked about it either, so I believed you were over it.”

“Oh.. Really? I didn’t know that.”

“But I, I talked to you about it, I swear I did, I-”

“Hoseok.” Changkyun put his hand on Hoseok’s arm. “I’m not doubting you. It’s just.. at this time, I wasn’t.. paying attention to the world around me. I know now that I missed a lot.. But I will tell you about it after I know your side of the story. Please just tell me.”

“Alright. I, uh.. Anyway, after Jooheon showed us the video so we tried to talk to you about all this but you always shrugged or like, look somewhere else.. And we had this basketball game planned on Saturday, but you never showed up and you didn’t text us back. So, I thought you resented me. Because all this was my fault you know? If I had heard you the first time, none of this would have happened? So I gave you space. I grew a bit distant from the group. But I still asked about you.” Hoseok stopped talking for a minute. There was a lump in his throat. He couldn’t look Changkyun in the eyes. He took a deep breath. “We realized something was up with those guys, they were always following you around, you looked tired, you weren’t eating, we knew something was going on. So we did our best to always keep you around us, and if we couldn’t, we would change our ways so we could stay near you. But sometimes, you just disappeared from our sights for half an hour and then reappear, looking even more.. broken, than before.” He looked up at Changkyun. “We caught them you know. Those guys hurting you? We found them. We stopped them. So we thought, everything would get better. But then, you didn’t come to school for a week and never answered texts, phone calls or opened the door… Next time we hear about you? A teacher telling another teacher about the kid that just quit high school because he was being bullied and beaten.”

Hoseok was looking at Changkyun waiting for a reaction. He expected anger, resentment, confusion, something, anything. But there was nothing on his face. His face was perfectly blank, like Hoseok had just told him about the weather. Hoseok frowned, lost.

“I already knew all this to be honest with you.” Changkyun said. “Jooheon told me. I just wanted to see if you lived this the same way.”

“Why? Were there different way to live this?”

“It appears so.”

“What? How?”

“I lived this in a completely different way.”

“Are you going to tell me?”

Changkyun nodded then stared at Hoseok. Then, he mirrored Hoseok’s position on the bed. Ha was facing him.

“I was alone. That’s what I thought from day one. At first, I thought none of you had seen the video so you didn’t know what was going on, and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to be a burden. And then, I realized everyone had seen the video and so you all had seen it too. And I thought you just didn’t care enough about me to try and help me. Didn’t care at all actually since you never even brought it up. And I just closed myself in my own world. Thinking I just had to go through this for a while and then people would forget.” Changkyun closed his eyes. “But they didn’t. And the beatings started. And, I really don’t know why, I seriously don’t understand why I went back there every day when I knew they would beat the shit out of me. My psychologist has a theory about it but I’m not really sure about it. But yeah anyway, I hated you, you know? Not just you, but the others as well. Because we were a group and no one helped me, no one was there. And on Monday, I couldn’t even bring myself to get up. I spent almost a week alone in my house, just watching the world going on without me. My parents came home and saw me like that, I think I broke their hearts. I begged them to take me off school. I started seeing a psychologist. But he was terrible. He blamed me for what had happened. Eventually, he convinced my parents that I needed to go to the hospital because I was a danger to myself. In the hospital, I got a new psychologist, doctor Han. She’s great. She helped me a lot. Now I’m better.” Changkyun cleared his throat. “This is.. Let’s say this is what happened. Of course, there are a lot of stuff I left out, but I don’t know if I wanna talk about some, and the others are just.. irrelevant right now.”

 

Hoseok was restless. He was so tired, yet he couldn’t sleep. Changkyun’s words were on replay in his head. They had had the conversation days ago, but it was still stuck in his head. He felt terrible. He had been so sure Changkyun had changed school so he wouldn’t be exposed like he was, but actually the kid had been fighting a depression and suicidal thoughts. Changkyun had not put it this way but just a look at the boy while he was talking screamed it anyway. How could someone so lively and happy be this miserable and sad? You could see the sadness in his eyes, in his smile, on his face, in the way he bites his nails, in the way he stands, in the way he sits.

Hoseok sat up in his bed and reached for his phone and earphones. He put them on, hoping the music would help him fall asleep.

It did not help.

 

Twelve days.

Twelve days since Hoseok came knocking at Changkyun’s door.

Twelve days only.

But it felt like months to Hoseok.

He would go to Changkyun’s straight after class every day. And if he didn’t have class, he would still come, just earlier.

Hoseok felt like Changkyun was better than twelve days ago.

For the first time in God knows how long, Changkyun was out of his room, out of his house, but not to go to the hospital. No. He was walking with Hoseok in the streets surrounding his house. It was not far away but it was still out of his comfort zone. And even though they had already walked these streets four times already, they wouldn’t stop walking. Hoseok was talking about silly things while Changkyun was enjoying the sun. The weather only got warmer as the days passed, getting closer to May.

They finally stopped and sat on a bench nearby. Changkyun grabbed Hoseok’s pinky finger. Hoseok had noticed this little habit Changkyun had taken with him. Always grabbing his pinky with his whole hand and not letting go. There was no apparent reason. He didn’t mind this. And it always seemed like it made Changkyun happy. He liked this.

 

Thirteen days.

They were in the library near Hoseok’s house. The one Hoseok had always loved and went to ever since he was a kid. The one he and the others used to go to at the beginning of the year.

Hoseok was helping Changkyun with some homework he had received the previous evening.

They bought ice cream on their way home.

 

Fourteen days.

When Hoseok arrived after class, he had no time to knock, the door swung open and Changkyun stepped out. The latter grabbed his hand and yanked him in the street.

“What’s going on?”

“I wanna do something.”

Hoseok just smiled and followed Changkyun.

They ended up in a park and sat in the grass. They talked, listened to music, played around, talked more. They fell asleep.

Hoseok was pulled awake by Changkyun. “Look! We can see the stars!”

However, Hoseok was not looking at the stars. He did not care about the stars or the moon. He only cared about the boy sitting next to him.

 

Twenty one days.

Three weeks.

Hoseok was lying with Changkyun in the latter’s bed. Changkyun was asleep. Hoseok couldn’t stop staring at him.

He couldn’t sleep because a thought kept swimming in his mind, refusing to let him rest.

He was not sure how he felt, couldn’t put it in words, couldn’t describe it, yet he knew. He was falling, slowly but surely falling for the boy lying on his chest.

 

Twenty eight days.

Four weeks had passed and Hoseok was now sure. He knew what he felt for Changkyun. It was love. He loved him. Not like he loved his friends. No. It was more than that. So much more than that. It was the real love. The one you feel for this one and only person in your life. The love that lasts forever. The love that makes you feel strong and invincible. The one that makes you think you can rule or destroy the world if you want. It makes you feel powerful and strong, and it makes you feel weak. Your knees wobbling and your head heavy. The fear of losing this person along with this feeling.

He was so deeply in love, he couldn’t even begin to understand how this happened. But he knew for sure he was in love.

He was in love with Changkyun.

And he was ninety percent sure Changkyun loved him back.

It was a Friday. And as every Friday, they were in the park. They had their little tradition now. Leave the house at 4pm, spend a few hours in the park, eat in the little restaurant near Banpo Bridge, then take a walk on the bridge and come home when the night had settled. It was their ritual. They did that every Wednesday and Friday, and sometimes on Saturday too. Changkyun loved it, Hoseok could see it on his face. Hoseok loved it as well.

So on this day, while they were walking on the bridge, Hoseok freed his pinky finger from Changkyun’s hand. The latter had no time to protest, Hoseok had grabbed his whole hand with his and intertwined their fingers. He exhaled a shaky breath.

“I like you. I really like you. And so.. I was wondering..” He looked up at Changkyun. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

Changkyun did not answer. He opened his mouth just to close it immediately.

He did not say yes. He did not say no either. He said nothing.

Hoseok felt really bad, and scared. Had he just ruined everything again? The urge to scream and run away was building up in his chest. He was a fucking i-

Changkyun kissed him. Shyly at first. Hoseok was frozen. Was this really happening or had he passed out from fear and was dreaming? Changkyun put a hand behind his head and Hoseok realized this was real. Changkyun was kissing him. That was a yes. Hoseok kissed him back fervently. He was so happy he could die.

 

Hoseok felt guilty. Changkyun, his boyfriend -his boyfriend holy shit- had just texted him not to come by because he was sick, must have caught a cold when they were out the previous night. They had stayed a lot longer than usually do. Just holding each other, kissing, talking, hugging.

Changkyun had stopped responding to his texts mid-morning. Hoseok was worried and texted him about twenty times during the day. He finally received an answer in the evening.

_Waah been asleep all day and I’m still tired, and I feel like I might fall asleep again, especially with the tea my mother just made, I feel betteeeeer but sleepyyyyy!!!!_

Hoseok laughed and just sent a few hearts with a “go back to sleep, rest and get better then”. His fingers hovered over the keyboard for a few seconds -he wanted to say "I love you" but it was too soon right?- before he locked it and threw it on his bed. He got up and joined his mother in the living room.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Changkyun caught a cold, I want to cook him something, can you help me?”

“Of course, darling.”

 

On Sunday morning, Hoseok knocked on Changkyun’s front door, trying not to drop the chicken soup and the box of candies he had bought. Changkyun’s mother opened the door and smiled at him.

“Hello! You’re here early today!”

“Yes, I hope I’m not bothering you? I just made soup for Changkyun since he is sick.”

“Of course, come in! Very thoughtful of you, Sweetheart!” She stepped aside and let him come in the house. She watched him taking his shoes off. “I’ll go and check if he’s awake and decent, I know this kid likes to sleep naked sometimes!”

She laughed and left. Hoseok followed her but stayed behind once she went in Changkyun’s room. Such a motherly thing to do. Telling embarrassing stuff to your friends behind your back. But well, she didn’t know they were dating. It hadn’t even been two full days yet. And Hoseok already knew that anyway. A few days ago when he had stayed over, Changkyun had told him he had put on underwear to sleep “only because I don’t want to hurt your sensibility”. That damned kid was-

His thoughts were interrupted by a scream. Changkyun’s mother.

“Changkyun! Wake up! Wake up! You have to wake up! Come on baby! Wake up!”

Hoseok entered the room.

He would never forget what he saw.

The curtain half opened letting just enough light in the room to see. There were a few little plastic bottles emptied on the bed and pills. A dozen of pills. The journal from the hospital was there, closed, with a blue pen on it. And Changkyun next to them. His eyes closed. Completely still. His mother on her knees, on the floor, next to him, screaming his name.

Hoseok dropped the soup and the candies and rushed in the room. He jumped on the bed and shook Changkyun, in vain. He took his phone out and called an ambulance.

 

It was too late.

It was already over.

Overdose they said, nothing could have been done, it was too late.

 

On the 14th of May, Im Changkyun put an end to his own life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So..uh... Sorry I played with your feelings I guess ?  
> Mh so yeah I guess I'm done with this, tell me what you think and thank you for reading all this,  
> love yall  
> see you soon in a new work I hope  
> bye guyyys
> 
> Edit 05/11: hi I'll add a bonus to this story to explain what happened... stay with me a little more! It should be up during the week (i fucking hate college omg let me live) byyyye


	6. It was just an illusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I'M LATE ONCE AGAIN  
> BUT MONSTA X FIRST WIN HAD ME SHOOK  
> and one of my teacher thought it was a good idea to give me five days to write a 10 pages essay about the right to vote in Sweden during the 19th century   
> So I really had no time to come and post this  
> but here it is

In Changkyun’s journal, there were two letters. One for his parents and one for Hoseok. Hoseok had read this letter again, and again, and again. He now understood. But he still didn’t understand. How could this happen?

He read the letter again.

 

Hoseok,

Please don’t be sad. You made me so happy you know.

Every moment with you were perfect.

Even when we were just friends, I loved spending time with you

I used to look forward to the moment you’d arrive, every single day.

You made me forget everything that happened.

And yesterday you asked me to be your boyfriend, and you kissed me

again

and again

we kissed and talked and laughed and it was the best moment of my life

everything was so perfect

But he was there you know

I never told you

But Seojoon was there

The first time I saw him was when I was leaving the hospital at the beginning, when I had just started therapy, our paths just crossed

it was a coincidence so I never said anything about it

but then our paths crossed more often

I saw him every time I left the hospital

that’s why I always wanted to stay home you know?

But then you came and convinced me to go out

and we never saw him so I thought it was okay you know?

But after a while, he came back

when we were out together, and I saw him, but he was always standing somewhere I could see him but you could not

he was doing this on purpose

Remember all those times I’d suddenly panic and ask to go home and never give you any explanation? Well there’s the explanation

I’m sorry I never told you

But I didn’t want you to worry and I thought I could handle it.

And I was right

I was doing fine, lately when I saw him I didn’t even care

But everything went wrong today

This morning I went out alone

I wanted to come see you for once

I thought you’d be proud if I went out on my own and if I came to you, my boyfriend

And I was doing okay you know

After five minutes, I heard some footsteps behind me so I turned around

it was him

he’d been following me

he threatened me and said he’d kill you for this, because we were dating, and also he’d hurt my family

this guy is crazy he threatened so many people just because we are dating

he said only if I die

Only if I die, he will let you all live happily

So I have no choice

I can’t ask anyone to kill me you know because they’ll think I’m crazy and I don’t know

so I have to do it myself

I’m sorry I leave you like this

but this is for the best

You’ll live happily

I love you so, so much you know that

thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me

I love you, Hoseok

 

 

Hoseok put the letter down again. The handwriting was so messy. It barely made sense. It did not add up. All the stuff about Seojoon. Seojoon had been punished for what he had done. His parents were so ashamed of him, they sent him to stay with his grandmother somewhere in Jeju Island as soon as they could. Seojoon had never been there. Changkyun’s speech was lacking. It was nothing like Changkyun. Yet it was Changkyun who had written this, just before he took his own life.

“Hoseok?”

“Yes, sorry. You were saying?”

“None of this is your fault, you realize that.”

“Yes, it’s just.. I wish I could have done something.”

“There was nothing you could have done. He never talked about Seojoon to anyone. No one knew his condition had worsen to the point he had hallucinations. He hid it well. There was no way anyone could have guessed this. He convinced himself he was alright.” Doctor Han handed him a little notebook. “Hoseok, this is your journal now. Do you know how it works?”

“Yes, Changkyun told me once.” Hoseok said as he took the journal and opened it. He picked up a pen.

 

_Shin Hoseok_

_16/05_

_My boyfriend killed himself two days ago._

 

_Day 1_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now it is over  
> finally  
> the answer  
> I don't know if you guys will like this but yeahh  
> thank you for reading all this and for the kudos and comments and support   
> Love yall  
> see you soon

**Author's Note:**

> ...ok  
>  So if you want to hit me, I understand..  
> I don't know if it was good or bad  
> I was inspired by a Tumblr prompt:  
> Person A: *walks up to person B* “hey uh so we’ve known each other for a while now and uh I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date.”  
> Person B: *pulls out their headphones* “Did you say something?”  
> Person A: *gives a pained smile* “D-Do you have a pencil?”
> 
> Errr, yeah I hope you liked it  
> See you soon


End file.
